I birthed my daughter on this floor, and yesterday I was gifted a Closing of the Bones ritual massage/ceremony by Tamsin Hodge (aka @soulful.tamsin on Insta) here in the exact same spot I birthed.
In Mayan Culture it is said that during labour the Mother’s spirit is traveling in the universe to find and collect her baby’s soul and then birth together. During a Closing of the Bones Ceremony the spirit is called back to the body.
Closing the Bones is typically facilitated during the 40 day window after birth with the purpose of closing cycles, energetic fields and returning heat back to the body. The practitioner uses traditional Rebozo cloths to wrap and cocoon the body.
Along with the physical benefits of supporting the pelvis and internal organs as they ‘come back’ together post birth, this is a very spiritual ritual. A time when the mother can process everything she is feeling and thinking, heal emotionally and gain strength. It helps the mother find closure to her birth story.
Leading up to the ceremony, I had been reflecting on what came up for me both during labour and postpartum.
My birth was epic and there’s nothing I’d change, but something happened to me while labouring - During my transition phase I found myself thinking really dark thoughts.
“You’re going to die” and imagining myself in a hospital. “You can’t do this”
Dark and intrusive thoughts I knew weren’t real, but were enough to disturb my head space, and these dark thoughts continued to invade my mind 2-3 weeks postpartum.
Until one night, I had a realisation, “why am I fighting this?” - Why am I fighting motherhood?
I feel so much rage and to be brutally honest; I guess motherhood has at times, felt like loss and powerlessness to me. For years I have fought against motherhood and subconsciously blamed my children for these feelings.
It doesn’t feel good to admit this either, feels very vulnerable to be writing this. Like most beliefs, very rarely are they ‘fact’ or even based around validity. I love my kids. I love raising my young humans. I do, but lurking in the shadows I cannot deny that there’s a part of myself that feels if I don’t rage, if I don’t fight, then I die.
Leading up to this day, I’ve been trying to understand where this fear stems from and in the early hours of the morning, instead of letting my thoughts go to those dark places I remind myself that this is exactly where I’m meant to be. This is mine (and our) rite of passage.
During my labour I had tapped into some deep unconscious programming and it was all coming up to the surface. Birth is pretty magical like that. When you titter between the worlds, you’re bound to learn something about yourself.
For six weeks I’ve sat with this uncomfortable feeling of death and loss and the strong urge to rebel against it. I reflected on my childhood and how I viewed our mother. I reflected on societal beliefs around motherhood, what society tells us we can and can’t do.
I wondered if other mothers felt the same loss and grief and rage? I wonder if my own mother felt just as powerless as I have? And although I still have many questions without answers, I decided that this would be my intention going into my COTB Ceremony - to reclaim my motherhood experience.
As I called all my energy back to my body, closing my hips and pelvis, bringing closure to my birth/s, I dropped the fight. No more pushing against and I promised instead to lean in.
Child Birth is easily one of the biggest, and fastest transformational, life-altering experiences a woman can have. Indigenous women have these rituals and ceremonies like closing of the bones and blessingways because they understood birth as a sacred rite of passage.
Photo from my Blessingway aka Mother Blessing Ceremony captured by Stonebird Photography
I’m so grateful to have been held in this space. It’s why I’m so passionate about facilitating pre and post birth ceremonies and helping women navigate their motherhood journey.
More on that in my next blog post!
If you would like to connect with Tamsin, you can find her on Instagram under @soulful.tamsin
Ps. Most of this was written between 1- 3am in the morning while feeding Autumn on the couch
